Caroline

I think my life as an adult will start on the 11th of May. That’s the day I’ll get back from the U.S. Finally, after six and a half year, I and my boyfriend are getting an apartment together. No one is happier about this then I am. Our relationship is finally evolving and I will be able to start using all that chinaware that my mother has collected during my life.

My boyfriend is out looking for an apartment. Even though I wish that I was there with him, I trust that he will pick us a great place to live. We are looking for an apartment to rent, and just being offered one in the city where we want to live is a big step in the right direction. My boyfriend has been offered two, so right now I’m just anxious to see what happens.

But, there will be no cat, I’m sorry to say. It is simple not allowed.

For a few weeks I’ve been walking around, looking forward to the future. Yesterday I could barely wait until I get home to Sweden and start my new life. I kind of feel like that today as well, but also, I’m starting to get a bit afraid. What if the future isn’t like I imagine?

I am a really positive person. Probably because I’ve never faced any obstacles I haven’t been able to handle. Great for me now, but not really an advantage for me in the future.

I’m afraid of going to a job interview. On the paper I’m supposed to know all this stuff… but do I? I’ve been taking a lot of courses during my four years in school, but how much of the things that I’ve learned do I actually remember? What if they ask me about a current event that I should know about and I don’t? A job interview feels like a test to see if I’m good enough. I’m afraid that someone will think that I’m not.

I’ve got about three month before I go back to Sweden. Tomorrow I’m going to start convincing myself that I’m good enough. If I believe so, I’m sure that it is going to rub of on the person interviewing me.

Some people are impressed. Others just tell me that they would never have put themselves through it. You see, during the past six years I’ve been in a long distance relationship. If you count out the summers, I’ve never lived closer then 620 miles from my boyfriend.

People often ask me what we do to make it work. I always reply that it’s not that hard. But that’s not always the truth. It is hard. It’s like riding a rollercoaster with your love – but not sitting next to him or even being able to spot him from where you sit. When it all starts you’re positive, thinking that nothing can ever tear you apart. Throughout the ride you experience ups and downs – just as in any relationship. The problem is that when you get sad, sick or afraid, there’s no one to give you physical comfort. When all you need is really a hug, the only thing to do is to give your love a call.

When you’re never physically together, it sometimes feels like you’re not really a couple. So let me just tell you this:

1. I really don’t like long distance relationships.
2. To be honest it is just stupid that I’m putting myself through it.
3. I must be crazy in love.

My time in the U.S. has really screwed me up. Before I went here I was afraid of the future: I couldn’t imagine myself having a nine to five job, settle down and get an apartment or even own my own car. Now I’m actually planning what kind of furniture I’m going to have in my future apartment and thinking about whether I would like to have a cat or not. If I’m getting a cat, I will probably name it Måne, that’s Swedish for moon.

Cat or no cat, that’s not what I’m bothered about right now. I’m surprised by the change that I’ve obviously been thru the last three weeks. The fact that I am no longer afraid of the future, just hit me yesterday, and I don’t really know how to respond. Yes, it’s great and I like it. I like the fact that I no longer shiver when I think about the future. But in the meantime, I’m wondering why my opinions changed and if many more of my opinions will change. It wouldn’t be surprising, I’m in Oklahoma and many people here have a different point of view on life than I do. So, who knows what kind of view on life I will have in four months?

Today I miss the home cooked dinners. I would kill for some regular boiled potatoes, meatballs and lingonberry jam.