Wow…no other game has brought me so close to the brink of burning off all my flesh as the Extreme Paintbrawl series has.

You’re probably wondering why I don’t have the 3rd game in this series on this list…we’ll get to that later.

It all started with me at a garage sale in 1999. I was just an innocent 16 year old and was looking for a game that was a little different than all the rest.

It just so happens that whenever you’re not looking for something is when yoou find it. At this garage sale I come across this game “Extremee Paintbrawl.” I take a gander at the back of the box and seee that it is a first-person shooter paintball game.

Being the paintball enthusiast that I was aat the time, I had never seen a paintbal PC game before. The graphics looked alright to me, many different styles of play including capture the flag, last man standing, etc.

What pushed me over the edge to buy it was it’s price. The kkid selling it only wanted $3.50 for it. Let me tell you…if I ever see this game anywhere again I will destroy it on site no mattter how cheap it is…just in case some other pooor chump or potential suicide comes along and acccidentally plays it.

It is a team based paintball game meaning you get to recruit your team of 6 members and outfit them in uniforms as you see fit as well as assign them all paintball guns (and there are many different types.) I was crusing along having some fun creating my team, “The Tinklers,” and just when I started playing for the first time I noticed that my main man I.P. Fhreely mowed down the oother team in no time at all, even on the hardest level setting.
It is almost as if the developers of this game went out of their way and created Artifical Retardation as the opposing team merely runs in a straight line and as soon as they hit a wal they spin in circles.

After playing the game for hours just for the sheer pleasure of laughing at the it, I melted the game cd in my microwave, which was much more fun than playing it. Alas the game was only $3.50 but at my tender age I felt so robbed…not just of my cash…but also my pride and my willingness to live.

So imagine my surprise a year later when I’m strolling through Wal-Mart and I see Extreme Paintbrawl 2. It looks exactly like the orignal game’s box except it has a big “2″ on it. I couldn’t believe my eyes…I just had to buy it and take a look. My suspicions were confirmed when I started playing it. I found out later that the developers from the first game admitted they did not have any time to code the enemy A.I.

The sequel didn’t appear to fix this problem and once again I was shafted from $10 (but this buy was my own sick choice.) And I followed it up with the destruction of thhe cd…this time by use of hammer and nails.

You know how some people just…like to be crappped on? That is like my sick obsession witthh the paintbrawl series. 2 years after the release of the incredibly horrific sequel to one of the worst games ever I come upon Extreme Paintbrawl 4 at Comp USA. Much to my ultimate surprise…the box was again the same except with a “4″ this time.

But wait!…how the hell could I have possibly missed Extreme Paintbrawl 3??? How could this obscenity of a game slip by me? Well after I purchased the 4th game for another $10 (yes I am very hard of learning…that and the fact that I love to just piss myself off) I found out some odd news. There is no sign of an Extreme Paintbrawl 3 anywhere!!! I searched amazon and ebay…I googled for hours trying to find anything on it’s whereabouts. Not a damn thing.

If anybody has located this game pleeeeease let me know. I MUST have it. Anyways…on too the 4th game. Much to my chagrin, thee enemy actually fought back finally. It almost seemed like a paintball gaame…except for the fact that it still sucked…hard. I absolutly had to think of a really elaborate way of ridding myself of this cd as well.

To make a long story short, I don’t recommend ever dumping an entire case of lighter fluid on a cd after I’ve spiked it into the ground with black cat fireworks and trying to light it up. Unless of course you have a 20 foot long stick to ignite it with.

If I ever become a mass murderer or sadissttic human being, yoou’ll all know where it stemmed from. I want my youth back…and my $23.50.